You’re twenty something. Okay you’re thirty something. Well maybe you’re forty something and single. You want intimacy not just great sex. You want emotional availability. Oh yeah and you want someone who has a decent job, no freeloaders. You want someone who is kind and respectful and romantic. Kids? You’re at a place where you could go either way. Online dating seems to have been largely a waste of time. Everybody lies.
Why has this person been so hard to find? You wonder if you are asking too much. You’re not so sure this person actually exists. You fear your friends feel sorry for you. YOU feel sorry for you! You’re tired of being alone on Saturday nights.
When I was 31 I was in this position. I went to my therapist full of complaints, self-pity and loneliness.
Aren’t there any men interested in you?
Think about it. I suspect there probably are. (She thought I was pretty attractive at 31, of course I didn’t think so.)
Okay, yes. Jack is interested in me. He’s 56 and then there’s George, he’s 72.
What do you like about Jack?
I’m not attracted to him!
Tell me what you like about him.
Okay, well, he’s nice to me. He likes to take me to lunch. He wants to take me out on his boat.
Well that sounds lovely. Is that something you think you’d enjoy?
Well yes, I like talking to him somewhat but I can’t imagine kissing him.
Who says you have to kiss him.
What? If he takes me to lunch and out on his boat, isn’t that part of the deal?
No, absolutely not!
I was flabbergasted to hear this. I assumed if I accepted a date with a man, that being sexual, at least a little bit, was part of the deal. I was shocked to learn this was not a requirement.
But what if he has that expectation.
Talk to him about it.
What do I say?
Just let him know exactly what you told me. That you enjoy talking to him, you’d like to go out on his boat with him but you don’t want to be sexual.
Explaining that to Jack had not even occurred to me. So the next time Jack called, I did just that. I was completely taken aback when Jack told me he didn’t care. He said he just liked me and wanted to spend time with me and being friends was fine with him.
We went out on his boat. I had a nice time.
I started to say “yes” instead of “no” to invitations from men I was not attracted to. I made it clear, this was just friendship. I started to feel so filled up my entire energy changed. I dated, had fun, felt full and happy and radiant! Then I met Jay who I was attracted to.
Moral of the story.
- Don’t look for the perfect romantic partner in every eligible single person. Pay attention to what you enjoy about them and appreciate that.
- Say “yes” to invitations even if they aren’t romantic. Receive what each individual has to offer with an attitude of gratitude.
- Get out of the habit of complaining. If you don’t have a date, don’t wait for someone to call you. Reach out to someone yourself. You don’t have to be sexually attracted to them. Just focus on what you do enjoy and let it fill you up.
Managing emotional disappointment in your relationships is part of a healing process. Lionheart Institute of Transpersonal Energy Healing teaches you how to heal yourself, facilitate healing for others and build a career as an Energy Healing Counselor. Lionheart offers a FREE introductory course each month. To sign up for the next one go to http://lionheartinstitute.com/energy-healing/.